paging dr house...

i feel like dr house some days. i've been on pain medication for several weeks now. vicoden helps the headaches for sure. dr colson put me on tramadol and amitryptoline. the first is a pain medication but it makes me feel hungover and tired all the time. the second is a low grade antidepressant and makes me uber tired. i can't afford another $110 to go see the doctor again though. i'm hoping that if i call him in the next couple days, he'll write me something else over the phone. if not, i'm not sure what i'll end up doing. it just makes me so upset that no one knows what's wrong with me anymore. what else... been donating more which is stressful but nice because it's been covering school dinners and such so that helps. they're getting better at making sure my wrap is right so i'm not bruising as bad anymore. it was horrible for a while. i'm learning the ins and outs of the center which is nice. and the phleabots are remembering me more now. been hanging out with troy lately. it's been cool to have a friend and of course, the compliments are nice. it's always nice and reassuring to hear things from other people rather than just those who are closest to you. i know that the boyfriend tells me i'm beautiful and i believe him but it's different to hear it from someone else. someone who doesn't have stake in anything. not that the boyfriend is required to tell me i'm beautiful to get things from me. it's just a whole different thing coming from someone else. it has, however, caused problems with me and the boyfriend. he thinks i shouldn't hang out with someone who i know likes me and wants more from me. i definitely don't agree with that because troy knows the situation and has from the start. he knows that brian is my world and that i don't want anything from him other than friendship. he understands that and has accepted that fact. he just wants to be friends and yes, is there waiting just in case but knows that bri and i married in all aspects but on paper. it makes me so sad that he can't see that i just want a friend and nothing more. i makes me feel like he doesn't trust me and my decisions when it comes to the people i'm around. i'm not going to put myself in a situation where something is going to happen. besides, i would rather know if a friend likes me as more than a friend instead of having them keep it to themselves and doing something surprising and catching me off guard. at least this way, i can keep it in check and make sure that nothing happens. i dunno. we'll see what happens. bri was up this past weekend for a job interview and he'll be back this coming weekend for a second interview. here's hoping that he gets the job. that would be so nice. to finally have him here for good. i can't wait.

This is why i should have a limit on my caffeine intake...

I had waaaaaaay too much caffeine today. I think I had 5 cups of tea plus a venti skinny cinnamon dolce latte with no foam. Lol. That might be why its 1 am and I'm still wide awake. It could also be because I'm worked up over the stupid fucks that are in my class.

Where to start... I guess the least offensive would be Laura. She just had to bring up "distractions" in class... her idea of a distraction is me and kat taking notes on our computers... ugh. What a bitch. She thinks everyone should hand write notes like she does. Sorry, some of us like to save trees by taking electronic notes. I can take notes faster, they're more legible, more detailed, and nicer to take on a computer. If i need a hard copy I can print them out and they don't take up space in my house or degrade over time. But Laura hates listening to the tap tap tap of the keys. Fuck you Laura.

Rena and Katie were in fine form tonight. Not only were they being retarded during class, they were also yelling during class as well. About what? I have no frikkin idea because I couldn't understand a word they were yelling. They made my head pound and increased my annoyance ten-fold.

The biggest offender of the night was sandie. She's along the same lines as laura. She believes that everyone should take handwritten notes like she does. Except, she's not passive aggressive about letting people know that she is upset. She kept shooting me dirty looks every time I would start typing. Fuck you sandie. Kat confirmed with the teacher that he was okay with us taking notes on our computer so fuck you and fuck Laura again for good measure.

Ugh. I'm so ready to be done with these assholes. Like to the point I'm ready to change campuses just to get away from the lack of control this class has. Its ridiculous. No one has any control over anything. I think this just proves that I need to take an anti anxiety pill before class. My bullshit tolerance would be higher if i did. Seriously... I'm going to need a good lawyer if i don't because I'm going to punch someone and end up in jail.

Or I'll just completely lose it and start screaming at everyone in class.

Could go either way.

a closed letter to the people who are no longer in my life (an early birthday post)

during the twilight of my 20s, i've been thinking about the people who have helped shape my life and make me the person i am today. there are some things i'd like to say about and maybe to some of these people. i know that they'll never hear them or read them but it'll make me feel better to get them out.

aaron - you drug me through hell during the time we were together. i know that you were struggling to find yourself and i was trying to help you accept the fact that there was no way you could be straight any longer. i know that you were afraid to admit it to yourself, let alone to anyone else, but really... when you can't get it up without watching gay porn, there's something wrong. i hope that one day you'll be able to find your true place in life and accept the things you have denied for so long. i know that your mother and sister will accept you no matter what. your father may take some work but your mom will help. regardless of the hell you put me through, i'm grateful to have gone through it because i found not only one of my best friends but my soul-mate. so thank you for everything.

nicole: you were my best friend for years and i still miss you terribly but i know that things are better this way. i watched what you went through with beth and never once believed that you could do the same types of things to me. apparently, i was completely wrong. i learned a lot from you over the years that we were friends. you gave me strength when i needed it and helped me through a lot of things and for that i am thankful. i tried to keep things as close to the way they were before i left but with the things that went on up here, i wasn't able to send stuff as often or come visit as often and i wonder if that had anything to do with the gradual distancing on your part. i mean, the joke was that i was paying for your love right?

graham - things between us haven't been really right for a long time. i often wonder if the problems we had during senior year was fate telling us that we needed to not be together. well, we didn't listen to fate and battled out the next few years. there are times i still want to strangle you but you gave me andy and i'll be forever grateful for him. he is my life. you also taught me a lot about me and who i am and what i want. you helped shape me and mold me into the person i am today. i know that you'll continue to teach me things about myself for the rest of my life and it'll be interesting to see what happens...

all the other men who flitted through my life - you each taught me something about myself in your own way. whether it was not allowing myself to sink that low again or given me a boost up on my self esteem. you were all stepping stones on my journey to who i am today. i am grateful for everything i learned from you.

i know that all of these people were in my life for a reason and are also gone from my life for a reason. people come into your life to teach you something and then they leave after their purpose has been served. there aren't many spaces for people to stick around forever. those that are supposed to stay forever will stay no matter what trials and tribulations are faced. those who aren't supposed to stick around, may make a horrible and emotional exit but in the long run, they're better off not being in your life.

there are some things i still have to work through pertaining to nicole but i'll eventually get over her and be better off for having "loved and lost" in this matter.

this totally reminded me of the song, my next 30 years by tim mcgraw. he says it all...



Lyrics:

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here ,In my next thirty years

In my next thirty years

here's the my next thirty years!

way past the point of breaking but can i take it?

things are piling up again. i can tell because i'm in almost constant pain again... when i go to stand up, i have to stop for a minute until the back pain goes away and that sucks. things will get better... but when? i have over a year left in school including internship. it sucks because one part of my brain is chanting about quitting it all right now and just saying fuck it and the other part is questioning when i can start my second masters program in psychology. redonkulous.

the child support hasn't started again yet. he says he's looking for a job but i've heard that story before though i know the economy still blows chunks. i'm having as much luck finding a job as before. christmas went off without much of a hitch. new years too. i got a late christmas present, the boy came up for new years. i guess i kind of forced him to even though i really didn't mean to. it pissed me off when he brother basically told him that he couldn't come up here. i'm not in the mood to battle his family for him. i'd go to the ends of the earth for him but family is one thing i refuse to take on. it's not worth it. i know his brother doesn't like me or my son and i have accepted that. i'll be little mary sunshine when we're around each other since we're going to be in each others lives forever. but, again, i'm not going to fight him for the boy. it helped having him here for sure. things were definitely more relaxed than last time but there was a lot working against us being together this time too. he's coming back up on wednesday late for andy's birthday and we'll get thursday and friday together. it'll be nice.

money is tight and i'm stressing about that but with every day that passes, it gets one day closer to my school money coming in and things getting easier. i have a list of things on my phone that i have to pay for out of the money. things like a new monitor for andy, the cable bill, the phone bill, a new bed, a headboard... that type of thing. i don't think we'll be going to albuquerque for spring break. partially because the money prolly won't be here until after his break and partially because we won't be able to afford it. i am planning on spending thanksgiving there though, whether he lives here or not.

okay, so, the point to this... i was watching burlesque today and cher sings a song called "last of me" and it finally hit home tonight.

here's the lyrics for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about.

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

the part that really hit home is bolded above but i like it so i'll put it here too

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

so many things in my life have brought me to my knees and left me wondering which is going to happen first... things getting better or my sanity. i've always made it through everything that was put in front of me and come out stronger than before but even steel has it's limits. i've been in school for so long so i can get a good job and nothing is coming of it. except more debt.

but that's okay because every step i take right now, will make me stronger and better for having experienced it. i can make it through this and things will be as they should be. i will be a better person and get the things i want and live the life i'm ready to live. we will be a family and things will be as they should. i know this and those thoughts keep me plugging along, day after day.

how not to raise a racist...

so, i've worked my hardest to raise my son to not be racist, to not hate anyone, to understand that all people are different and that's what makes them special. there was a time when he was little and knew nothing about black people simply because, at the time, i didn't have any black friends. now, however, his best friend is black so it's a moot point.

a few months ago, he and i had a conversation about the word "nigger" and the connotation of the word and why it shouldn't be used. i think it shouldn't be used period rather than it being socially acceptable for blacks to use it towards other blacks. that's such a double standard. why is it okay for them to use the word and not others?

but i digress...

so, andy understands why the word is bad and why he shouldn't use it. he also knows that blacks aren't bad (and all other races to be frank) and he pretty much loves everyone equally unless they fuck with him, then it's on like donkey kong.

again...

my grandpa has been here for just about a week and a half (and has taken one shower which is pretty fucking gross but i'll save that rant for another night). anywho, he's been here for that long and has already proven to be racist twice. yes, TWICE! he was flipping through the many channels on comcast digital cable and complaining about how many "mexican channels there are..." those comments alone made me wary about him meeting the boyfriend since he is mexican.

tonight... the boyfriend and i went to find iron man 2 which is completely fucking sold out in denver right now apparently. grandpa asked us to bring home pizza. so we went to walmart and couldn't find the movie but got the pizza. then we ran to target and couldn't find the movie on anything but blu-ray. so, we come home and grandpa said something about not wanting niggers in the house.

what in holy hell? where in the fuck did that come from and why in the fuck did he even begin to think that it was okay to say that period, let alone in front of the 10-year-old?!?!

i called him out on it and asked him not to say that, especially in front of andy because we've already had to have a conversation on why that word is bad and why not to use it.

well, needless to say, i've had another difficult conversation with my son tonight about why not to listen to grandpa and definitely why not to use the words that grandpa uses.

thanks gramps. just what i wanted to do on new years eve.

Abandonment

Its one thing to feel deep rooted loneliness but its a whole different story to feel abandoned. I didn't even feel abandoned when they ambushed me. But one simple, stupid, petty act has left me feeling completely abandoned and scared shitless. And I know I shouldn't but seriously... I do. I feel it all the way to my bones.

I blocked my blog from the world because I was tired of being persecuted for what I write. Which, that only lasted like 2 days... well, maybe 3 because I can't change it from here and I haven't logged on through my laptop lately. Eventually though, the block came off... only for me to find that I have been completely blocked from hers... no, hers isn't locked down. Its just me blocked.

Nice. How do you even broach that subject?? Especially when everything is allegedly okay. I'm not sure when the block was put on, again since I haven't been on through my computer in a few days. But I'm assuming that it was shortly after I told her about locking mine down. I guess my options are to bring it up and risk another fight, that is, if she'll even respond to my texts. Or ignore it and let it eat at me for a while. Right now, I'm not sure which sounds better.

Sleep sounds good but could prove elusive tonight. I miss my soul mate. I really just need a boy hug. And I need everything to be okay and for my best friend to not... I dunno what I need with that. I guess I need it to go back to the way it was 6 months ago when we weren't fighting all the time.

Deep rooted loneliness

I'm lonely...

I know I have people around me a lot but I'm still lonely. I'm tired of just being here. I don't feel like I'm productive or... I don't know, worthy of taking up space and air. I know that its not true, that I'm just stressed and depressed but still... to the deepest part of my being... I'm lonely.

I want Brian here with me. I want to be able to start our family. I want a ring on my finger that I can stare at when I miss him and know that he misses me as much as I miss him. I guess its stupid to want something tangible because in my heart I know he misses me just as much as I miss him and loves me the same. Its just a stupid thing that I have to worry about losing and keeping clean and not getting caught on things but as much as the ratnal part of me knows that its not important to have a ring, especially when neither of us can really afford one, I still want one... however, I'm still going to tell him that I don't need one until he gets his bills paid down or I get a job and can help him pay the cards down. I know that he won't let me help pay for my ring and that's fine, I don't think I should help pay for it... but I can help pay for the Utah trip which in turn will give him more money to pay for my ring. I guess its a stupid girl thing... rational me knows why we shouldn't worry about it right now but the girl part of me just really wants something shiny I can show to people.

I don't know why that is on the forefront of my mind because I know that a ring isn't going to make me less lonely, it isn't going to take the heartache away, it isn't going to hold my hand when I'm walking alone, it isn't going to rub my back when its sore or when I'm sad... its stupid, expensive trinket that only signifies the unnecessary requirement of spending money to show that you "love" someone. It shouldn't matter how much is spent or that,money is even spent on the one you love but there's still that part of me that wants one. And of course, I've grown up with all of the pictures being drilled into my head that the bigger the diamond, the happier it will make me so I look at all of the big diamonds and can't help but think that a 3 carat diamond with channel set baguet diamonds on both sides and a matching wedding band, both in paladium of course, would take away all my worries and angst... then I look at the 4- or 5-digit price tag and cringe because the rational side of me thinks, "wtf... with that I could buy a fucking car!!!!" And the rational mindset takes over again... at least until I see another pretty bauble.

And the best/worst part about all of this is that I know that if I told him that I really wanted a $10k engagement/wedding ring set - such as the kirk Kara set I fell in love with - he would find a way to get it for me... no matter what it took to do it.

**I DON'T want a $10K set, so please DON'T get me one. You know who I'm talking to...**

First amendment

The first amendment to the constitution gives citizens the right to freedom of speech without fear of persecution. So why don't I feel like I'm entitled to that right on a daily basis?

The first amendment has been protecting all of the people who are taking part in the occupy movement across the country. It protects journalists. It protects people all over the country no matter how ignorant or moronic their ideas are. But still... I don't feel like I'm being protected by this constitutional right.

When I blog, its usually to vent but there are times when I use it to spread good news or work things out for myself because, in the words of Albus Dumbeldore, (and I'm paraphrasing here), do you ever feel like there are times when you have too many thoughts in your head? I guess in a way, my blog is my pensieve. Its a place where I can pour my thoughts out and examine them to find connections or ways to fix things that I'm fretting over.

Yet... I still don't feel like it is a safe outlet anymore... I've been promised that I will no longer get yelled at or in trouble for what I wrtie., that it will be taken as it should be... an outlet for venting and the like and not as a personal attack. Hell... even the boy knows that its an outlet for me and to not take things personally.

Ugh... okay. I guess I have to take the leap and trust that things will change and that I won't get in trouble over what I put anymore. And if I do... well, I'll just hope that it doesn't come to that.

severe lack of holiday spirit...

it's december 4th and i'm not ready for the holidays. there aren't any decorations up in the house except the few that stay up all year for whatever reason. there's a few out front but there's also a good chance we won't get more up because of the sheer amount of snow that we've been getting. one storm on top of another on top of another... we've gotten more snow so far this season than we did all of last year... but it's only like 9 weeks into the season. ugh. we're due another 3-7 tonight and then there's another storm due in on thursday. anyhow, i'm just not feeling the spirit this year. the boy isn't going to be here for christmas (due to a mutual decision) so we've done our christmas already. i have his stuff for andy that has to be wrapped and go under the tree. andy has a shit ton of stuff for under the tree which is good because he needs it. grandpa is due out on the 22nd which i'm sort of looking forward to but mostly not. i just want to have an actual break from everything for 2 weeks. and with him here... i don't get that. oh well. i don't get to see him that often so i need to suck it up and deal. other than that, things still suck. i hate paypal and their bullshit. i'm tired of not being able to talk to the boy before bed. it was almost easier having him live with her because then he could talk to me when she went to bed. now... they don't go to bed until super late so he's up late and can't talk because they're up. i'm looking for another internship position because arising hope can't do it. allegedly i have a spot with potters house but i haven't decided if i want to do it there. i've got a call into safehouse denver to see if i can get on with them. i guess i'll keep them as a back up. just in case... if i get on with safehouse, i can transfer down to albuquerque, should the need arise. i dunno. i just need something that's solely mine to do. i may not get that though.

ambush

i was ambushed on friday by my family and katherine. boy, was that completely off base and uncalled for.

first, i don't have a fucking drinking problem. so what if i have a glass of wine (3-4 ounces) a night. and it's not even every night. i'm sorry that i'm almost 30 and have wine. my mother has martini's on occasion, hell, some nights she has two and no one says she has a drinking problem.

second, i don't have a fucking drug problem. i take my medication as PRESCRIBED by the doctor and DISCUSSED in our confidential appointments. and it makes it that much funnier to see who it came from.

now, this ambush. oh wait, there's a third...

third, i'm NOT SUICIDAL! jebus crust these people got some horrible fucking information. wanna see me suicidal? go back and read through the blogs from albquerque and i'll be you can find 3 or 4 where i am intensely suicidal with the only thing keeping me from doing anything is andy. and i had life insurance at that point.

okay, so now... this ambush. thanksgiving was okay. andy had an attitude about doing the dishes so he got out of it because there was a lot of dishes and i just wanted to get them done. only when katherine realized i was doing them alone did she offer to help. but i guess she had permission not to help from my mom since they cooked... or so i was told prior to starting on the kitchen... i told her to get out and i'd do them. yes, i was in a bad mood but that was the theme for this week. the only good part was having brian here. and even then, he ended up in the line of fire too and for that i am sorry.

friday morning everyone showed up for the ambush. and no, that's not being overly dramatic... they told me nothing, just showed up and started telling me everything i've done wrong lately, how much i must hate everyone, how all they want to do it help me, how no one understands why i won't let them help me and so much more. this was under the facade of "family meeting" and "airing all the family issues" where katherine played therapist. i'm not sure which hurt more. that she thought i would be okay with her in that position, that it happened or that now i'm supposed to act like i'm okay with her being the "family counselor." wait, i think it was that she, along with my sister, had the gall to insinuate that i have a drug/alcohol problem.

anyhow, the whole thing left me nauseous with a pounding headache. i got bitched at for not saying anything, told i was wrong when i did say something and yelled at for not asking for money help. why would i ask for help with money when all i ever hear from anyone is how broke they are and how they don't have money for anything. how much sense does that make?? so, there was a lot more that was said during this but i can't remember it all in order and my stomach won't allow me to think about it in much more depth.

the funny part is they did this to help reduce my stress and all it did was make things worse. now, instead of being lost in my own thoughts, i have to listen to my brain replay all the horrible things they said. and, i'm afraid to take my prescribed anti-anxiety medication.

i couldn't bring myself to be around katherine today. which was another fun conversation yesterday. again, i'm horrible. i do nothing but be mean to her, take advantage of her, use her... blah, blah, blah. the only time she wants me to come to her house is to do work for her anymore. i know i blogged about the bookshelves... at least i think i did. they came from her grandparents house. handmade and heavy as fuck. last time bri was here, i was told that when he left, i was coming to her house to move those and help clean the garage so she could park her cars in there. yup, told. not asked. i didn't go out because it upset me that she couldn't even ask. so, she eventually found someone else to do it and then acted like i should be grateful that she found this other person to do it. really now. i think i've been out once or twice since that happened. once to fix her internet which was my choice.
so, i dunno what to do with all of this. i'm sick to my stomach from all of it. i don't want to lose a friend but i'm tired of fighting all the time. i know that at the minimum, i have to get over the feeling of betrayal from all of this. i can't wait for 2012... it has to be better than 2011. i mean, i lost nicole this year. i did gain my soul mate and a new best friend but i'm afraid i'm going to lose her too. i know i won't lose bri but i'm scared that will happen too. i'm just tired of all of the fighting and people not understanding the way i work, or the way my stress works.

well... i have to stop this now. i just found out that i have to complete more of the assignment because we're losing a team member... hooray... i guess.